Writer of Soul-Searching Snark

Dogs! WTF?

Gangsta of Love

There’s a reason I have a cat tattoo. I’m a CAT person. Not a dog person. CAT person! Got that universe?! I don’t give a rip what kind of lesson you’re trying to teach me. I give up. I’m destined to go through all eternity being tortured by dogs because I surrender. I can’t take it anymore.

Sure, cats can be annoying. They jump on the table, scratch the furniture and let’s face it, the litter box is downright icky. They tend to frolic through the house at a high rate of speed in the middle of the night and are picky eaters. Even with all their faults, they’re easier to live with than dogs.

I live in the boonies and the dogs are outside all day chasing deer, feasting on rotten armadillo, skinny dipping in the pond. They explore the woods and guard the ducks from invading hordes of unseen and/or nonexistent creatures. They’re great while they are outside.

The problem starts about 7 every night. After they eat dinner, 2 of the dogs want to go outside. The other 2 want to nap. As soon as the outside dogs want in, the other 2 want out.

No wait! Apun is inside? I must be with her. So, Reba stands at the door whimpering. Mama, mama, I want in. I want INNNNNNN.

Apun and Reba are inside, but Kadee and Luna are outside.

No, Mama, I must be with YOU. So, I let in Kadee and Apun goes outside to hang with Luna.

Dax (wonderful cat) crawls in my lap. Kadee sleeps next to my leg. We’re comfy. Considering vegging for a minute in front of the TV, but Apun MUST be inside. Has to be. Right. This. Minute.

She barks. Whines. Scratches the door. No results.

So, she runs around the house, jumps on the deck and stands in front of the big, glass door. She barks. Whines. Scratches the door.

There’s no ignoring her. The barks get louder, the scratching gets rougher and then she body slams the door.

The comfortable seating arrangement is disrupted when I have to get up to let Apun in. By now, I’m too annoyed to watch mindless TV and decide to go to bed and read. So, I have to get all the dogs inside. About the time, I reach the door to holler for everyone, a pack of coyotes passes through and the dogs take off.

Gassed the puppy with my shoe. Now, that's a good dog!

Leave the dogs out all night? Great idea. Until Apun stands in front of the bedroom window. She barks. Whines. Scratches the window.

Get up. Let the dogs in. Go back to bed. An hour later, Kadee needs to go outside. Since she’s in potty-train mode, I get up and let her out. Can she go out alone? No way. Everyone else goes outside and disappears into the darkened woods.

I get back to sleep only to be awakened a few hours later by dogs that want to come back inside.

Rainy days are impossible!!

This goes on all night. I haven’t had longer than 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep in weeks. You know what happens when I don’t get sleep? I get grumpy. You think I’m bitchy and hard to get along with when I’m well rested and smiling. Holy smokes. You haven’t seen grumpy until you witness me with 3 hours of sleep. It’s ugly.

Solution? I’d say bark collars and a magnetized doggie door. Okay, honestly, the first solution that came to me at 1:00 this morning was target practice, but now I’m jacked up on caffeine and I’m thinking doggie door. Fingers crossed I can convince one of the 2 folks who would be doing the installing that it’s a good idea.

Send positive thoughts my way. Or, even better, adopt one of my dogs!!! I’d keep you supplied in cookies for life! 🙂

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Comments on: "Dogs! WTF?" (15)

  1. Haha, I have both cats and dogs. And it depends on the day, sometimes I like the cats more than the dogs and sometimes not. TG my dogs sleep through the night.

  2. Poor Claire. I only have two dogs and I get frustrated with the in-and-out thing. I hate to poor cold water on your doggie door idea, but living out in the country, you may have some unwanted visitors come IN that door. Of course, there’s some fodder for another blog entry. 🙂 Hang in there, and when you’ve had enough coffee, I’ll bring you some wine.

  3. Ah yes, but the magnetized doggie door is the answer. The dogs wear collars that activate the door so unwanted critters can’t get in. In theory anyway. 🙂 Bring on the wine!!!!

  4. You poor thing! I have to say I am a cat person too and reading your post reaffirms it! Having a puppy amongst the crew makes life more difficult.. I read in your previous post how you would give Kadee to that shabby house and in the end you kept her I would have someone same I apload you:-) get some rest!

    • @Rayya. My problem is I’m a sucker for a cute face. I think if I only had 1 dog, I’d be okay. The problem is deciding which one I’d keep. Tonight, I’m considering lacing their kibble with Benadryl. 🙂 No wait, drugging myself with Merlot and Valium would be a lot more fun! 🙂

  5. stacy turner said:

    Dogs are wonderful, cats have way too much tude…Put your dog and your wife/girlfriend in the trunk of your car, come back in an hour and open it and see which one is happy to see you!

    • @Stacy. You have a point. Every time I come home, the dogs certainly make me feel welcome–leaping and frolicking about. The cats open an eye to see if I brought home delicious baby mice or a tantalizing filet of albacore. Your loyalty testing methods are admirable, but somewhat dangerous. I hope your wife/girlfriend isn’t a member of the NRA. 🙂

  6. I have dogs, horses, turtles, cats, pigmy goats, and finches… ( my children keep bringing home more pets for me to wait upon) The dogs are on a schedule because I’m a poor sleeper. Just like babies I started feeding them and waking them at the same time, seems to keep them quiet at night. Cats don’t go for the schedule they do what they want, climb on your head at three in the morning. Watch out for those coyotes love… Caroline Gerardo

  7. Oh, my dear. I feel your pain and exhaustion. There is no rest when you have dogs, especially indoor dogs. Your post made me feel better, though, because now I know I’m not in this tiresome experience alone.

    Hubs wants to install a doggie door here, but I say no. Even a magnetized door will not stop them from bringing in unwanted “toys” (i.e. carcasses, fresh or half-rotten, or carcasses that aren’t even dead.) Our guys kill snakes and skunks. Um. No thanks to having those remains in the house.

    Thanks for the entertaining post. God bless you, honey. I hope you get some sleep.

    • Oh yeah, KD, good point. We get the creepy dead things too. Didn’t think of that. I wonder how well I’d sleep knowing a baby possum was lurking under the couch?

  8. Dear Claire,

    I stopped by to see what your blog looked like after reading your description of it in a comment to Madison Woods. Found DogsWTF? right away and as I was reading thought of my good friend Kady McCrite. Wanted to tell you your blog is quite nice and then lo and behold there was Kady’s response in your comment section. (Right up there^:)

    I got two dogs and they think of ‘inside’ as some strange otherworldly place where the people lie and the food is kept. They stay OUTSIDE. It’s why fur was invented. Solves a lot of problems that I’ve never had.

    And I absolutely love cats.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    • Doug, thanks for your comment! I’m considering building a pen and locking the little lovelies away at night. It might be the best solution to my sleeplessness. I tell you. Cats are definitely the superior of the two species. 😉

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